The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant believed that the MHH (Most Hubristic Humans) Award had been locked down by the Trump campaign around the second week of January. Clear some room in the trophy case. But awards are all about upsets, and we have a stunning new leader in the clubhouse. Our old friends at FIFA refuse to relinquish the title without taking Trump to penalty kicks in overtime.
FIFA, the governing body of International soccer, the sport American parents believe their children are playing on Saturday mornings until the Hispanic family moves into the neighborhood and they learn even 80 year-old abuela can drive a header past what they thought was their Messi-in-training. Stay in school junior and study hard. The only thing you’re bending like Beckham is the straw in your juice box.
FIFA has long been known for its breathtaking corruption, shaking down countries and sponsors for bribes and kickbacks to host the World Cup and other lucrative FIFA events. These absurd exercises in graft finally culminated in Qatar being awarded the 2022 World Cup. Fans can hunker down for the refreshing 104 degree average temperature and see how many times they pass out before the first corner kick. We assume Nike will design asbestos shoes for the competitors. While listening to the radio call, you can guess whether the footballer “on fire” is playing exceptionally well or in need of an actual extinguisher. Stop, drop, and roll Ronaldo. Qatar promises they possess all sorts of magical cooling technology, including, says Qatar bid chairman Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, “plans up our sleeves.” The Rant assumes this means blocks of ice strapped to their biceps.
The United States finally decided last year to introduce FIFA to their favorite sport: Indictments. The Justice Department arrested sixteen officials and the scandal even caused the ouster of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, named after the material used to keep soccer balls inflated.
A lesser sports organization would have admitted defeat and pledged to restore integrity to their game. But not FIFA. They cued up the Rocky theme music, practiced some wax-on, wax-off moves out on the pitch, vowed to remember the titans, and this week admitted bribery ran rampant in the organization; FIFA then filed a twenty-two page claim demanding the return of their bribe money as recompense for the damage done to their reputation. Slow clap FIFA. Slow clap. That takes some mighty big soccer balls.
The NFL and its brain-addled players can’t compete. The NCAA money factory and its indentured servants, we mean student athletes, salute you. Barry Bonds and his enormous PED’ed cranium bow in reverence (either that or his neck can’t hold up that melon anymore). Pete Rose bets only on you henceforth. God bless the blissful innocence of global sports.