The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant would like to humbly point out that on Sunday the New York Times Magazine ran an article on Throwing Shade, the same Throwing Shade that The Rant had addressed earlier that week. Honestly, does every pop culture commentator have to ride on The Rant’s coattails? It’s getting crowded back there. You’re better than that NYT. Give The Rant a call whenever you want to know what’s happening in the world.

Before enjoying the wonders of Mad Max: Fury Road1, we had to sit through the usual onslaught of movie trailers. Many horror movies on display, which means one thing. Blood? Gore? Unrepentant evil? No, Catholic priests! Priests everywhere.2 Young, hunky priests smoldering while they make the sign of the cross and utter the line required in all American horror movies, “I believe there is a devil,” right before Beelzebub blows all the stained glass windows out of the church and a spooky, sinister voice, heavy on the bass, starts issuing out of some little girl’s mouth. They should just send the poor kids that appear in those movies straight to Betty Ford and the Lindsay Lohan Suite. Maybe if we stopped inviting the Padre over for dinner the walls wouldn’t ooze blood. Consider getting rid of all the clown dolls too. You’re welcome.

The Rant commences: We enjoy nothing more than when a conspiracy theory, delusions of grandeur, and a fantasy world all bleed over into daily life. Two weeks ago in California, three people were arrested for running a rogue police force called the Masonic Fraternal Police Department. One member of the gang worked for the state Attorney General Kamala Harris. The posse had been traveling the state, letting local police departments know they were on the case, complete with uniforms, badges, and firearms.

Using math only a Creationist could appreciate, the department claimed descent from the Knights Templar3 3,000 years ago. Only 2,000 years off from the actual establishment of the Knights, but let’s not allow a couple of millennia here or there ruin the proceedings. In addition to California, the group claimed jurisdiction in 33 other states and Mexico. So apparently the Knights’ reach included the Holy Land, Malta, and Pasadena. The chief carried the lowly title of Absolute Supreme Sovereign Grandmaster. I can only assume they maintain some sort of shrine to Bobby Fischer.

The Rant had the delightful opportunity to explore the Fraternal website before the legal killjoys shut it all down. After the homepage finished waxing rhapsodic about the illustrious history of the department, “We were here first!” every other page, with mysterious names like “case files,” could only be accessed with a super-duper-members-only password.

All hail to thee, Masonic Fraternal Police Department. Long may you patrol the measles-ridden neighborhoods of anti-vaxxers, provide shelter to the alien abducted, harbor the innocent victims of UN Plan 21, keep the skies free of black helicopters, and bar entry from Muslims to the White House. In the name of Stone, Zapruder, and Fox News, amen.

  1. Michael Bay should be required to watch this movie on a loop until he confesses his action movie transgressions
  2. Because you don’t send a hipster evangelical with a Four Spiritual Laws tract to stand watch over the portal to hell. “Sorry dude, I just stepped over to The Greatest of These is Latte coffee shop at church and lost track of time.”
  3. The Rant appreciates the mixing of the Knights with the historically, wildly anti-Catholic Masons

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