Welcome to Rantvana

Now that The Rant has deciphered the rhythms of The Glorious Regime of The Glorious Leader II (Believe me, brothers and sisters, this time it’s personal. But now 50% less intelligible than the original!), we have decided to found a bespoke¹ country within the nearly perfect country of Scamerica (The Artist Formerly Known as the USA. Great back catalog) called Rantvana. Is it legal? When the current President is suggesting the former President is a robot, living in Rantvana means never having to say you’re sorry. Or asking permission. Or being rational. Or obeying the laws of physics. Or wondering what a Congress is since we haven’t seen proof of its existence since the election. Stay strong judges. At least until all of you are sent for reeducation at the Trump School of Law and Cheesecake Factory (Come for the Torts, stay for the Tortes).²

Citizenship

Nothing could be easier than gaining full grifting rights here in Rantvana. For full citizenship and a coveted passport, simply fill out your name and address on the form and staple it to one of the following:

1. A midsize or larger luxury jet. Can only afford an entry-level Cessna? Have fun in Canada.

2. A supercar with at least 800hp. Powered by electric, gas, or Elon Musk’s excess Ketamine supply, just make sure it purrs.

3. Beachfront property immune to rising seas that happens to have a 10,000 Sq. Ft. mansion sitting on it.

What could be easier? For those with a net worth greater than $1billion, simply mail a crypto coin bearing the image of The Rant worth half the value of your total assets. Did we mention you get to mint your own currency? And none of those messy passwords people might torture you for later. All the wealth of Rantvana is conveniently stored in Al Gore’s lockbox³ and guarded by a very unpredictable dire wolf clone. Fun Rantvana science fact: Vaccines. Please. Being bitten by the dire wolf makes you immune to all diseases on Earth. Don’t forget to schedule your mauling soon. This message brought to you by the Rantvana Department of Health and Leech Spa.

Border Security

Borders? What borders? Each morning your beloved Grifter-in-Chief, The Rant, wakes up and decides the extent of our domains. Have your eye on your neighbor’s new riding mower? Guess what? His property has been annexed by Rantvana, and he doesn’t have the proper papers. Wave goodbye as he gets deported to Rantvana’s Super-Max House of Retribution and Roofing Company. For some reason, Scamerica’s labor supply has dwindled, but Rantvana is here to help. Don’t forget to pay the 237% tariff on all your new possessions.

The Constitution

The bedrock of Rantvana’s freedoms, the constitution is written with pencil on the back of an IHOP napkin. Amending the constitution is just a Pink Pearl eraser away. We carry the sacred document on our person at all times, which is handy as we also serve as Rantvana’s Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and Sportsbook. You might lose your right to assemble peacefully, but never your right to bet a three-game parlay. In all honesty, most of the constitution just contains a formula to calculate the over/under on any sport and a reminder to update our List of Those that Have Wronged Us, written on several rolls of paper towels. Rantvana probably needs to invest in some stationery.

In our other pocket The Rant keeps a copy of The Bill of The Rant Got that Rights. Rantvana grants you all the freedoms you’ve come to cherish as long as your opinions, moods, enemies, and conspiracy theories align perfectly with The Rant each day. Be sure to follow our constant musings on our social platform, Truth Schmuth, to make sure you are in compliance. Don’t forget to log on each week for our interactive AMAAITAS (As Me Anything and I’ll Talk About Sharks). Can you imagine a shark’s grocery bill with this inflation?

Cultural Life

Let’s face it: Scamerica is a little soft on patriotism. The White House? Try the Red, White, and Blue McMansion and Water Park where The Rant resides and waves to our loyal Rantvanians each morning. Don’t forget to deposit your five ounces of pure gold before heading to the Freedom Flume and Party Pool filled with Nancy Pelosi’s tears.

In the center of it all is a forty-foot statue of Toby Keith eternally blaring The Rantvana national anthem by Kid Rock. Need some arts and crafts for the kids? Hulk Hogan’s shirt-ripping-and-how-to-report-an-illegal workshop is always a crowdpleaser. Don’t forget a refreshing Rant Smoothie.⁴ Seriously. You’ll be paying for it one way or another. Be a shame to lose that new riding mower.

For the truly cultured, the National Museum of Art contains every Thomas Kinkade painting ever created. The Rantvana Portrait Gallery contains 318 renderings of The Rant, including the classics, The Rant Counting His Tariffs, The Rant Storming the Gates of NPR, The Siege of Harvard, The Rant Congratulating the Moneychangers, and our favorite, The Ascension of The Rant into Westchester County.

See You Soon

Rantvana can’t wait to welcome you with our open arms and your open wallet. And should funds run low, just remember there’s a pallet of shingles and scorching hot roof waiting for you. Don’t worry about your family; they’ll rest easy after reading the joy-filled letters we send on your behalf and conveniently deduct from your wages. Besides, your kids will be joining you soon after The Rant signs the executive order allowing child labor. In moments like these, we are reminded of Rantvana’s national motto: Empathy doesn’t pay The Rant’s country club dues. We can barely line up our birdie putt through the tears.

1. Bespoke, from the Latin, bespokus, meaning “there is no amount of money I won’t pay to feel superior to you.”
2. The Rant has to admit, at this point, the nonsense practically writes itself.
3. For those that have forgotten, Al Gore was a humanlike creature generated by a beta version of AI. He mysteriously lost the presidential election to George W. Bush, another humanlike being constructed from a discarded erector set and the electronic brain of a Furby. Of course he won reelection. Scamerica!
4. What’s in a Rant Smoothie? By now you should realize Rantvana has no crippling bureaucracy with health and safety regulations that stifle capitalism and the size of The Rant’s yacht. We suggest the Rantvana Shooter. After each bite of food or drink, take a slug of bleach. Also cures COVID if you haven’t had your dire wolf wellness session yet.