The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant feels you Northeast. Snow and flooding? You might want to take a moral inventory and discover if someone needs to be cast into the sea for your sins. We were under the impression Coach Belichick could also control the weather after that stunning press conference during which he ran a football through a supercollider to prove the psi can fall prey to quantum mechanics and dark matter. Or something like that. We’re not always sure what the Belichick Mumble is saying.

But let us Rant: Out here in The Land of Guthrie, state Representative Sally Kern has gotten her legislative panties in a bunch over all this Gayness that is running rampant in America. She says the “homosexual agenda” poses a greater threat than terrorism. To counter the menace, she has proposed bills to allow businesses to refuse service or employment to LGBT persons on religious grounds, to allow “conversion therapy” for minors and to withhold government salaries if activities support gay marriage, which The Rant assumes includes the issuing of marriage licenses. Broadway shows and throw pillows would also be forbidden. Fine, The Rant made those up, although both clearly seem in the realm of possibility for Representative Kern. 

The Rant grew up a good Baptist, so we happen to know the Bible also forbids many other things. Paul loved a good airing of the grievances, and he wanted nothing to do with liars, gossips, whoremongers, those prone to jealousy, or the greedy. He also wasn’t all that thrilled with straight sex, married or otherwise. Forbidden as well is women being in positions of authority over men, so we suggest Rep. Kern resign post haste. Never try to get self-righteous with The Rant; we will get all King James Version up in your grill every time.

The Rant suggests Rep. Kern construct a plexiglass box to live in with one of those hamster bottles containing a tube on the end and plenty of wood shavings. Then she can be assured of avoiding the threat of gay cooties and all other unpleasantness of the heathen rabble. She could invite Jesus over, but he’s currently busy at a gay wedding reception. He’s always up for a party.

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