The Rant derives endless pleasure imagining middle-aged geeks trying to squeeze into the Stormtrooper uniforms they made for Return of the Jedi. Use the force to suck that gut in boys. We fondly remember waiting in line for Jedi with our friends, the mood festive and electric. No ticket pre-purchase nonsense on Fandango or reclining seats or fanboys losing their minds over every perceived error on the intertubes. Then we walked home in the snow. Uphill. Enjoying the remnants of our $28 bag of popcorn. Some things never change.

Now that Disney owns the franchise, we have the added spectacle of “synergy across platforms.” Which sounds like something a Sith Lord would say but we’re not judging. Much. So we have to watch another member of the Disney Borg, ESPN, create sports teams using Star Wars characters1 We can only assume Mel Kiper produced 216 mock drafts to aid the process: “Jabba the Hut has tremendous upside as a space eater on the interior line, but he has been described as a clubhouse cancer that often tries to enslave fellow teammates.”

People forget no one knew one iota about the original Star Wars2, but once the movie exploded, it created the product tie-in madness we still suffer under today. So really, the Death Star, we mean Disney, absorbing Star Wars was inevitable since Walt basically invented character marketing deals with Mickey Mouse.

But The Rant says, don’t let Han Solo Pez dispensers bring you down. We have confidence this generation’s Lucas, J.J. Abrams, will put on a good show. So put your feet up, dig in to your $54 snack combo (you saved 50 cents!), and enjoy.

  1. You thought we were making that up, didn’t you? We couldn’t make that up anymore than we could have made up the Star Wars Holiday Special.
  2. George Lucas, convinced the movie would make little money, traded Stephen Spielberg 2.5% of the profits for the same percentage of Close Encounters. The Rant assumes Spielberg wears Luke Skywalker pajamas to bed every night in gratitude

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