The Rant has a new favorite in the celebrity profile category: thousands of words and a portfolio of pictures all centered around the theme of a celebrity declaring he hates all the attention and doesn’t care what you, the voracious and cruel public, think. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, baby. We love the fact the only way such a profile could be true is if it didn’t exist.
The New York Times has turned the genre into an art form. Their masterpiece focused on Jimmy Fallon as his ratings plummeted and rumors swirled that the refusal to imperil his likability among each and every human on earth no longer resonated with the public in the Age of the Orange One. Jimmy Fallon doesn’t need to be liked said Jimmy Fallon and then spent pages of words and adorable pictures telling you why you should like Jimmy Fallon.
To save their journalistic soul, NYT always inserts some dark possibility into the story. In Fallon’s case, was the host hitting the bottle and falling down, as evidenced by several noticeable injuries on air? Who knows? Now back to the lovable Fallon! A person that could care less whether you recognize him as the national treasure he is. The Rant kept waiting for Fallon to ask the reporter to hold him. Tightly. Perhaps so he wouldn’t fall down.
The Rant can only assume publicists are pitching these stories like Kardashians posting selfies. What better way to fill the yawning chasm of their client’s neediness than a story about how unneedy they are? Genius. Like the person forever posting on social media how much they despise social media.
So Bradley Cooper drones on about the perils of fame as he makes the 100th remake of a movie, A Star is Born,1 that is about nothing but the insatiable desire for fame, regardless of the size of your talent. Even Amy Schumer suddenly cares about you knowing she doesn’t care what you think. Perhaps so you won’t call Child Services after she has her baby.
Recently The Rant came to the realization Ricky Gervais has fashioned an entire career taking advantage of this evolving situation. Watch carefully: Gervais is only interesting or funny about 20% of the time. The other 80% gets taken up with him explaining why you are wrong for not finding him funny or being offended by his work, even though he doesn’t care if you find him funny or are offended by his work. It’s positively brilliant.
The Rant has decided to work only two days a week while spending the remaining three explaining why we really are working when it seems we are not and that we really don’t care if you think we’re working or not because we don’t need your approval. Just a paycheck for the entire week. Also, be sure to like us on Facebook even though we abhor everything Facebook has done to our beautiful society. Don’t forget the hashtag.