The Dread Pirate Rant

The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant had just alerted the Coast Guard that a sea creature had washed ashore and taken up residence on Justin Bieber’s head when we learned he was growing dreadlocks¹. Our bad. But seriously Biebs: you should make sure a clownfish isn’t hunkered down in there now and then.

Poor Biebs and all the white boys like him; they can’t find contentment with all the money and all the power and all the advantages; they long to be cool as well. The Rant is willing to bet you, Biebs, there are some black men in Ferguson and the Bronx and Chicago ready to change trade some of their street cred for some of what you got². Except for the dreads. You can keep those.

Very soon the Biliebers will take down their posters and try and pretend they never became hysterical at a concert. At times the pop culture wave carries you out to sea, and you have to sheepishly float back to shore, find the nearest dumpster, and solemnly deposit your Swaggy hat there. We’ve all made that walk of shame. Creed. Nickelback. American Beauty. Kate Hudson. The Fonz³.

These moments of infatuation bring us comfort the way Little Debbie Nutty Bars help The Rant fight off the ennui as we peer into the abyss⁴. Embrace your lapses of judgement. Applaud the mediocre dressed up as the Next Big Thing on the cover of Vanity Fair. Consume an entire box of cultural Nutty Bars with nary a glance at the Nutrition Facts. The Rant never even peeks, and we’re better for it.

1. The Rant was going to post a picture, but several interns turned to stone in the attempt. We’re happy to report that gazing upon the glory of Questlove’s ‘fro reversed the effects.
2. Some of what you got, Biebs, includes not being shot at while reaching for you cell phone; not being choked to death for standing on the sidewalk; not looking into the business end of a Maglite for driving after dark. Not being tasered for those dreads. Good to be you JB.
3. Even before Arthur literally jumped the shark, we should have been cringing at a man approaching middle-age hanging out with high school kids instead of longing for a leather jacket. All is forgiven, Henry Winkler, for your role in Arrested Development.
4. Or is that just us?