Thanksranting

The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant would like to tell Gwen Stefani that just because you sit next to someone on a TV show that does not make them your soulmate. We know you’re on the rebound, but Blake Shelton, really? You are Gwen Stefani. Badass rock n’ roll front woman and fashion icon. We know Gavin Rossdale has pretty hair, but he wouldn’t have made it past the audition for No Doubt, and Blake doesn’t have the chops to even carry Merle Haggard’s guitar pick. We suggest you reach out to Deborah Harry for some life coaching.

Given the depressing state of affairs in Syria and the coming Trumpocalypse, we thought The Rant should pause here at the commencement of the holiday season and reflect on some things for which we can give thanks. First a Thanksgiving tip: Before your grandparents start complaining about Obamacare even though they happily receive Medicare, and to avoid your uncle repeatedly telling you he’s not racist because he knows a black guy, we suggest filling the gravy boat with bourbon to lighten the mood. The Rant is the Martha Stewart of dysfunctional families.

Let us give thanks:

• Speaking of front women, The Rant is very thankful for Emily Haines of Metric. We recently watched her rock the Cain’s Ballroom. Only Dave Grohl makes better use of his hair as a rock n’ roll accessory

• Into the Badlands, AMC’s new martial arts masterpiece. More Daniel Wu, more swordplay, more of The Widow eviscerating people while wearing stilettos please

• Jessica Jones, Marvel’s series on Netflix with a real female superhero leading a real, and heartbreaking, life

• Thanksgiving sans cranberry sauce

• The unbridled enthusiasm of our dog, who greets The Rant each morning as though Justin Bieber just showed up at an American Girl store

• That our children want nothing to do with Justin Bieber or American Girl stores, which we consider a triumph of parenting

• Stephen Colbert. Five nights a week

• The Sunday New York Times delivers to The Rant’s Worldwide Headquarters in the hinterlands

• The word hinterlands

• John Oliver, who has become the best social commentator on television. And it’s not even close

• All the readers of The Rant. We’d say we love you, but let’s not get carried away. We are still The Rant

Don’t punch anyone in a Black Friday line. Jesus always waited patiently for his new flatscreen. Yes, he said it was for the disciples, but we all know he wanted it for his man cave. Which was literally a cave.