Wow. Things got a little dark over in Rantmas yesterday. We’re talking Charlie-Brown-kills-the-wee-Christmas-tree dark, Skinny-Santa-shames-the-Rudolph-family dark.1 But we’re back Ranatics. Every holiday season has a dark night of the soul. We’ve had ours.

The Rant, logging some time at the Hadron Super Collider, has discovered that some quarks got drunk at a party (or wake) for Schrodinger’s cat and altered one of the variables of quantum mechanics. We have been propelled into one of the so-called multiverses, one in which the fabric of reality is warped and allows Trump to become president and the Cubs to win the World Series.

Back in our actual reality, Obama is still president through the passing of a constitutional amendment, and the discovery of unicorn DNA reintroduced the species to the planet. Climate change has been subdued through lower emissions, and all medical procedures cost a dollar. The Rant also reigns as the current Nobel laureate in literature.

Too bad the White House has banned the study of reality at the National Science Foundation. We’ll just have to dream about riding a unicorn while reading the Modern Library Collected Works of The Rant.

  1. What’s up with Santa in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Not going to make Forbe’s Best Workplaces issue there Santa. You’re on HR’s naughty list. You make the Mean Girls in Charlie Brown’s world look like the angelic host

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