The Rant occasionally likes to hunker down with the Cartoon Network and watch the Amazing World of Gumball. This program does not appear during the more gonzo Adult Swim on the CN, but rather exists for the kiddies. How this show got the greenlight continues to fascinate us. There’s animation over live action. There’s anthropomorphic balloons that require surgery. There’s esoteric movie references and episodes constructed around police procedurals. This delightful slice of theater of the absurd would fill Salvador Dali with wonder.

The Rant no longer has wee ones which means we no longer require an encyclopedic knowledge of the toys shilled at hysteria-level during the breaks. We suddenly found ourselves confronted with the new Peeing Pup game. The Rant just assumed a commercial parody had been inserted in the show. But you would be so wrong friends. Created by toy giant Hasbro, Peeing Pup delivers on its did-I-just-hear-that title. You pet the pup for as long as you dare, and then pass it on to the next potential victim until the pup grows so excited he passes it on via a stream of water from the general area of his extruded plastic genital region. Urine to the face! Encouraging your real dog to do the same! Yes, we have proof. We assume Trump owns cases of these things.

After the initial shock, The Rant realized the world was finally ready for our can’t-miss entry into the lucrative toy market: Projectile Vomiting Vulture. “Hey kids, we know that vulture is adorable, but don’t pet his terrifying beak too long. This vulture had a little too much roadkill!” The Deluxe Version includes hazmat suits for easy clean-up. Fun insider fact: the real money is in the replacement vomit pouches. You wouldn’t believe the margin on those. The only real overhead is the Vitamix blenders. Let’s just say that roadkill is mighty authentic.

The toy industry generates over $25billion in toy sales in the US, so why not see if Peeing Pup leads to a craze? It’s not any stranger than a Pet Rock. Or a Cabbage Patch doll sent to harvest your child’s soul.1 Marx would take a stroll down today’s toy aisle and realize he had been way too generous in Das Kapital.

We all know the need to create desire propels most our economic activity in this country, even to the point of ignoring those whose only desire is to have the necessities of life. Only when we get on the fringes with Peeing Pup do we realize the ludicrous nature of our economic construction. The Rant has noticed we no longer question whether we should consume but how we consume. The new status consists of spending twice as much as anyone else to stay green, or stay local, or stay sustainable. Meanwhile, the poor search for ways to consume enough to survive. Self-righteousness never offered such luxurious accommodations, but the poor don’t need to buy a game to get soaked every day.

  1. Don’t kid yourself; this was the only purpose of that freakish spawn of Hell

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