The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant sits by the banks of the internet and waits for the crazy to float by. This week’s big winner is Professional Angry Person and Fox Radio host Todd Starnes. While giving a speech at Abilene Baptist Church in Georgia, Starnes got his self-righteous undies in a bunch over gay marriage and then declared Chick-Fil-A the “official chicken of Jesus.”1

We hope Jesus doesn’t have to wear a Chick-Fil-A baseball hat as part of the endorsement deal, and The Rant happens to know the trinity is hardly of one accord when it comes to chicken. The Holy Spirit prefers Popeye’s spicy chicken strips. Where do you think those tongues of fire come from? You should read the Bible more. Sinner. Whenever Jesus tries to pawn off the Chick-Fil-A on the Spirit, The Ghost simply asks, “Can I can get red beans and rice with that? I didn’t think so.”

God the Father, being all-knowing, get his chicken exclusively from a grandmother in Alabama named Melva. Her iron skillet was forged shortly after Moses parted the Red Sea. Melva can just show a piece of chicken a photo of the skillet and it tastes better. Melva soaks her birds in buttermilk, a process God briefly considered adding to the dietary laws in the book of Leviticus. He just laughs at Jesus and the Spirit because the blessings of genuine fried chicken include gravy made from the drippings. He knows they’re supposed to be three-in-one, but sometimes the Father wonders.

The Rant just explained two thousand years of theology using fried chicken, a feat that would make Todd Starnes head explode. At the end of his musings, Starnes declared he would bravely fight on even though the government “may try to shut down our bakeries.” The Rant grew up Baptist, but we have been totally oblivious to this vast network of holy dough and batter. We know, however, that when it comes to cake, the trinity all agree: anything other than cream cheese frosting is an abomination unto the Lord. Amen.

  1. Starnes made this declaration because the President of Chick-Fil-A, Dan Cathy, gets all queasy around LGBT people owing to his belief in “the biblical definition of the family unit.” Our family unit has our own definition of Dan Cathy, but The Rant will refrain so as not to offend your family unit.

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