The Rant observes: The head ref for the PlayStation-What-Happened-to-our-Tostitos Fiesta Bowl was whiter than a Mormon potluck. And we’re back, baby! Let’s not get all weepy or hurl accusations about our absence. The Rant has to maintain a certain level of sanity to bring our full rantiness to you. And what with reality to starting to feel like a David Lynch dream sequence and our ill-fated Twelve Days of Rantmas in 2017, the time had come for a hiatus. We’re rested, we’re sassy, and we’re ready to help you laugh all the way to the inevitable Trump Re-education and Border Security Camp of which The Rant will be the first inhabitant to tuck into a juicy Trump steak and then head to the sweatshop1 to crank out some Ivanka sportswear. Why hello, General Mattis. Not surprised to see you here. Not one bit. We think you hot-glued a sequin to one of your clusters there.
The Rant hates to go after the pretty, pretty Anderson Cooper at the start of the year, but Anderson found himself inebriated after taking a tequila shot at the top of each hour during CNN’s New Year’s show. A shot an hour? Anderson, the Irish call that Regularly Scheduled Maintenance. You’re the son of a 70’s socialite2; you should have been snorting lines of coke off Andy Cohen’s belly without any ill-effect. Disappointing.
From the disappointing to the disturbing, The Rant thought we’d Google up the word “reborn” and stumbled on this. The Rant cannot caution you enough about clicking the link. You are headed to the Uncanny Valley of the Shadow of Death. You thought our Bradford Exchange post took us to the edge of madness? Those were our carefree, halcyon days my friend. We’re already having flashbacks that require medication. The sacrifices The Rant makes for your amusement.
The New Year has arrived, The Rant feels optimistic, but we’re not making any resolutions until the universe starts resolving to dole out some richly deserved Karma to certain members of our fraying society. Come on universe. We know you’re woefully behind on binging Game of Thrones, but we’ll catch you up. Winter has come. Daenerys and Jon Snow don’t get naked often enough to satisfy any demographic. You’re welcome.
Now get out there universe and start ladling the sweet cream of justice over the villainous strawberries of our culture (to paraphrase The Tick). We need you in our hour of need. We believe in you just like Tinkerbell and we’re clapping as hard as we can.3 If you need a list, Santa just balanced the books for the year. The Rant can only do so much given the limits of space and time and the legal system frowning upon us getting stabby no matter how justified in the cosmic scheme of things. We’ll do our part; get off the couch, borrow the golden lasso of truth from Gal Gadot, and get busy. Did we mention we’re back? This time it’s personal.
- After learning the term is pejorative, and then learning what pejorative means, Ivanka will have us laboring away in the Happy-Land Dream Factory. Remember when we thought Ivanka was the “Good Trump.” Hilarious. Nothing like the smell of a footnote in the morning
- Cooper’s mother is Gloria Vanderbilt. Among various other acts of awesomeness, Vanderbilt had a long relationship with Gordon Parks, the director of Shaft. Isaac Hayes is not writing a song about you Anderson
- Even though Tinkerbell behaves like a Real Housewife in the Disney version. You know it’s true; don’t fight it