The Rant remembers just thirty minutes ago with all the yammering heads declaring the death of the Cavs, and the passing of torches, and the wisdom of trading your entire team for Celtics coach Brad Stevens because he could take an asthmatic third grader, two posable action figures, and a poster of Kareem to the finals. As our man Omar always said, You come at the king, you best not miss. The Celtics may end up winning the series, but the king still lives. And Kevin Love isn’t even posable.

Since we’re discussing the NBA, memo to the Rockets: you are the most boring team ever assembled. The Rant assumes James Harden is dribbling at the top of the key, doing nothing, while we write. He’s waiting for the next game to start so he can dribble at the top of the key and do nothing. People that admire the Rockets are the same dudes that ruin your pick-up games at the Y: eternally taking jumpers out of their range, driving wildly to the basket, and calling a foul when their reverse layup goes over the backboard and the ball careens four courts over.

Dear Avengers: Infinity War. A summer blockbuster that necessitates therapy and a prescription of Zoloft after viewing is not a summer blockbuster to us. Thank you.

Dear Deadpool 2. Thank you for giving us a reason to live again after Avengers. We love you Leslie Uggams.

The Rant always enjoys the moment naked consumerism turns into something entirely different. For us, the revolving cast of Colonels in the KFC commercials is one such moment. At turns absurdist theater and Swiftian satire, George Hamilton crooning he’s the extra-crispy Colonel and Reba McEntire appearing to be unsure of exactly what she signed up for, makes us happy. Now go all the way KFC and turn this into epic performance art: RuPaul should, nay must, give us the Colonel America so richly deserves.

As a sociological experiment and exercise in pain tolerance, The Rant queried Seventeen magazine as to what we should listen to this summer. Sweet. Fancy. Moses. Was that a playlist or an episode of 13 Reasons Why? And why do all music videos now look like a Target ad? We’ll stick with Courtney Barnett and Beaches. And George Hamilton karaoke.


3 Responses to “Rant O’Plenty”

  1. Ricco Wright

    Great rant, Shawn! The world needs more Rants O’Plenty. So I think the Cavs got the Celtics in six. The momentum has shifted too drastically in favor of the Cavs for the Celtics to win the series. And I highly doubt the Celtics have what it takes to force a Game 7. But we shall see. Also, I’m interested in seeing Deadpool 2 only because it’s starring Zazie Beetz. She’s my celebrity crush. Forever. Forever Ever. Have you been watching Atlanta? If so, we should discuss soon. Both seasons.

    • Shawn Crawford

      I say whoever wins tonight takes the series. Beetz is the real superhero of that movie. Needs her own franchise.

      • Ricco Wright

        That’s a sound argument. But the Celtics won’t win tonight’s game due to the momentum shift and they definitely won’t win on Sunday in Cleveland. I say Cavs in six. Use your superpowers to make Beetz my wife and I’ll love you forever.


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