Rant Me Up

The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant would like to know why the world is trying to cram a year’s worth of drama into the first week of 2016. Pace yourselves, kids. You’re going to make Wolf Blitzer’s beard spontaneously combust from all the hubbub, and the graphics department at Fox News can only make so many of those hysteria-inducing banners to swoop onto your screen like an invading horde of Hessians¹. Think of the talking heads, North Korea² . And Saudi Arabia. And Iran. And crazy white guys with guns in Oregon³. And Jaden Smith⁴

See what we did there, gentle readers? We went all rope-a-dope in the main paragraph and threw the hay makers in the notes. Think you’ll see that on Slate or HuffPo? The Rant is ready for your crazy 2016. Bring it.

1. If your seventh grade social studies unit on the Revolutionary War is but a distant memory, Hessians were German mercenaries that fought for the British. The Americans discovered that it sucked to be a Hessian, so in exchange for some free land and some chickens, they convinced many of them to desert. The Rant believes a similar approach could solve about 98% of our current problems.
2. Is it just The Rant, or do you have the sneaking suspicion that when even the slightest tremor shakes North Korea, they make some outrageous claim? We just tested a hydrogen bomb! We’re making Orcs in subterranean caverns! We have Godzilla chained in Kim Jong-un’s basement where he lives on Pop Tarts! Fear our underground Laboratory of Awesomeness, decadent Westerners! We know The Rant generally frowns on exclamation points, but we make an exception for the Sublime Delusional State of North Korea
3. For those wishing the government would do something about the Oregon Chapter of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes, we suggest paying the airfare of a few people from Ferguson and Baltimore so they can go mill around on the grounds. They’ll have the tanks, rocket launchers, and stealth bombers there in no time
4. Smith, son of Will and Jada Pinkett, has embraced “genderless” clothing and will now model for Louis Vuitton’s women’s collection. You can see him posing with other emaciated models, heroically wearing $1,000 skirts, made in sweat shops for $3.49, while being paid the Gross National Product of Mali. So, so brave. Of course this has some God People all in a tizzy because Jesus wore pants. Sensible khakis. He might have sported a beard, but it was neatly trimmed, not all feral like a Brooklyn hipster. Jesus wouldn’t go near Brooklyn; he’d be out in Oregon with his fellow Water Buffaloes protecting Freeedddoooommmmm and the constitution he helped write with Thomas Jefferson. But not the slave parts. That was all Jefferson. For those thinking Jaden is all that, The Rant suggests you go check out some pictures of David Bowie circa 1973 and get back to us. Bowie had way better eye shadow, and one other thing, what’s it called? Oh yeah, talent.