Rant in the House

The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant would like to point out that anyone can be elected Speaker of the House. Voting someone in from the majority party is merely tradition, not law. Given that the Republicans can’t currently organize a Koch-funded lunch date, and the runaway Freeeeedommmmmm Caucus¹ scares the bejeezus out of any credible candidate, The Rant says, “Why not us?”

We don’t have to run for reelection. We are beholden to no special interests. We only endorse PACs that stand for Performing Arts Centers. The Rant is ready and willing to serve. Our platform is simple:

• Fire Justin Bieber into space inside the next Mars probe. The probe would still technically remain unmanned. Thank you, be sure to tip your waiter

• Government subsidized Taco Tuesdays

• No potty breaks until the debt ceiling is raised

• Ditto for the budget

• Representatives speaking on the floor of House will be instantaneously fact-checked. Those in error will receive a swift gavel to the noggin’ from the Speaker

• Proposed legislation will be distributed via t-shirt cannon

• If you want to spend money to blow things up, you have to spend an equal amount of money to build something new

• Like NASCAR drivers, members of Congress have to wear patches of every company and lobbying group that gives them money

• Any House member airing a negative ad must wear the Culottes of Shame

• Filibusters must be conducted through interpretative dance

• House members have one week to compromise on bills. Otherwise the Speaker will spin the Wheel O’ Appropriations. All results will be final

The Rant believes that’s a system any American can enjoy and prosper under. Write your member of Congress today.

1. The Rant has noticed that the more a group uses the word Freedom, the less of it they wish to extend to people that disagree with them. The Rant rarely uses the word yet says anything goes as long as you don’t put an eye out.