The Rant has a small sample size, but here in Tulsa at the worldwide headquarters, the new Amazon delivery kids seem to really be scrapping. One of our favorite pastimes is following a truck as it wanders helplessly around the block trying to find an address. The best moments occur when the driver pulls over and stands befuddled in the street. Perhaps they are waiting for the Hand of Bezos to appear from the sky and point them to their destination. This may explain why we see the trucks cruising the streets far into the night like stalkers with corporate sponsorship.

Locked deep in the Bezos lair is the Amazon business plan: Step 1. Destroy all other businesses. That’s it. The entire plan fits on a piece of fortune cookie paper. When Amazon tells us the marvelous ways they can help our company grow, they really mean, “let us figure out how to do what you do for less and then kick you to the curb.” This holiday season Amazon refused to expand their book inventory so they could focus on their own products and those with higher profit margins. The moment Amazon determines they can make more money by handling your funeral needs, Alexa will be smothering you with a pillow.

College football coaches took their fainting couches when the NCAA suggested players should be allowed to transfer when they liked without sitting out a season. You know, the way college football coaches do when a program offers them $1.50 more in salary and a sweet endorsement deal with Bob Evans1 The Rant assumes that one day at a press conference the uttering of the phrase, in the best interest of our Student Athletes, one too many times will cause the universe to crush the whole enterprise under the rubble of its own hypocrisy.

Enjoy your Troll-fueled nightmares. Isn’t there surgery to correct that problem?

The Rant has a knitting needle handy to go all Oedipus on our eyeballs should we be forced to see the live version of Trolls. We enjoyed the homely little things glued to our friends’ dashboards as much as the next person, but at no point did we think an entire franchise should be built around the poor little dears. Does Justin Timberlake have to participate in these movies because the studio Ray Donovaned some bodies for him? And in case you haven’t been keeping up on the Trolls blogs, SZA wrote a song for the upcoming new movie, Trolls World Tour. SZA. Wu-Tang SZA. At least ODB is in rapper heaven. And we’ll get some needed Trolls closure with the completion of the trilogy.

But this is the new cross-platform synergy era, baby, so creepy animated Trolls just weren’t enough; bring on the giant creepy Trolls dancing their way into your wallets as the kiddies scream for merch. Or fear. The Rant isn’t quite sure which is happening in the disturbing commercials airing for the event taking place in a venue recently played by Travis Scott. That’s right: the Trolls can fill Scott-sized sheds. And if you have been on StubHub looking for Trolls Live tickets, you might want to consider what your life has become. Maybe reach out to SZA to figure out where it all went wrong.

  1. Yes, we’re looking at you, Urban Myer. The Rant has noticed that whenever St. Urban gets his feelings hurt, he retires for his “health and to spend more time with family.” Myer immediately ties up a hammock on the nearest tv studio set and begins pontificating on his humble magnificence. His fellow yammering heads on Fox do everything but fan His Greatness with palm fronds.

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