The Rant received an email from God. The subject line informed us that Jesus Smoked Weed. The gist was the Lord wanted us to go thou and do likewise. So many questions.
First, doesn’t God seem like more of an IM guy? More personal and prophetic popping up there on your screen. Second, the message ended up in our spam box. Seems even the Almighty could use a better IT team. We cannot imagine the cost of forever re-training the heavenly host, “No Gabriel, don’t take a flaming sword to the server; we said to update the firewall.” We all have staffing problems.
Of course we already knew Jesus smoked because of the Parable of the Phish Concert. During an 82-minute guitar solo, Jesus turns some dandelion greens into some sweet ganja without one stem or seed. As usual, Peter was reprimanded for trying to bogart the entire joint. People should really read the Bible more.
Kansas City won the Super Bowl. In case you missed it. Just making sure. The Chiefs feigned interest until around seven minutes were left in the game. Jimmy Garoppolo studied his headshots on the Microsoft Surface while dreaming of his Esquire cover and stealing Tom Brady’s modeling contracts1. Then Mahomes casually threw the ball fifty yards off his back foot on third and fifteen and the onslaught had begun. Poor, pretty, Jimmy. We hate to bring this up, but Mahomes is younger than you. Does the name Bernie Kosar ring any bells2? The Rant heard San Francisco Day Excursions by Boat Monthly is always looking for a good cover3.
The Rant would like to say to the Academy: after getting almost everything wrong with the nominations, you managed to get everything right by giving Parasite the award for Best Picture and Best Director. Bong Joon Ho has been making fabulous movies for years out of the fertile Korean movie industry, and Parasite wed art and the current moment in a way nothing in America even came close to accomplishing. We may be frolicking in the golden age of television, but we have ceded film to other voices. Which suits The Rant just fine as long as we acknowledge where the juice currently resides the way the Oscars did last night.
- In case you missed it, during the pregame Terry Bradshaw referred to Garoppolo as one “good looking I-talian”. He then commended the Jews taking care of his money and whistled over the hot Puerto Ricans providing the halftime entertainment. We can’t imagine why anyone thinks Fox and the NFL have a diversity problem
- Kosar, quarterback of the Cleveland Browns when their team did more than inform us how great they were before getting thrashed on the field, had the misfortune of continually facing John Elway and the Broncos for a trip to the Super Bowl. Kosar defied all logic by making a five-step drop look like a frat boys drunken ramble to the keg before dissecting the defense with uncanny accuracy. Kosar should have taken the Browns to the Super Bowl twice if not for Elway and the worst fumble of all time by Earnest Byner. We fear Jimmy may face a similar fate at the hands of Mahomes.
- The feature story will be called, Dreamy Jimmy’s Dream Spots on the Bay. Garoppolo will guide us around San Fran in a bespoke rain slicker and $10,000 I-talian loafers. We estimate 142 exclamation points will be required to convey the wonder that is Jimmy