A toilet paper roll in the hand is worth the five-hundred the clerk swears is arriving in the next delivery.
The President has not come to praise America but to bury it.
Measure twice, wash your hands sixty-seven times.
Early to bed, early to rise . . . god, who are we kidding?
The necessity of moderation, you mothers, is the liquor store being closed.
Starve a cold, check the ventilator inventory for a fever.
All happy families are alike; every quarantined family is unhappy in its own way.
If at first you don’t succeed, there’s no way in hell you are seeing any CARES Act money.
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO PUT UP WITH YOU ANIMALS FOR EVEN ONE MORE DAY!
A cord of three strands will quickly test positive for ignoring social distancing.
You should have put a mask on it.