Social Distancing: Crossing to the other side of the street when approached by anyone, instead of just black or brown people.

Toilet Paper: A mythical object once believed to exist in plenty, but hunted to extinction like the carrier pigeon.

Sober: The state of being unprepared for the daily White House press briefing.

NFL: A wholly owned subsidiary of Satan, Inc.1

Shelter-at-Home: The act of spending too much time with people you thought you loved.

Shiv: Arts and crafts project undertaken while sheltering-at-home.

Shanked: The act of being presented a shiv as a token of appreciation while sheltering-at-home. Shhhhh, this is better for everyone.

Ventilator: Medical device that helps you breathe when considering how many ventilators are available.

Amazon: A monster impervious to all contagions, sleeping in a lair filled with two-ply, like a dragon hoarding gold.

President: A person requiring endless adulation for handling a crisis in the most incompetent way possible.

Essential Business: Any entity manufacturing or selling items that prevent you from wanting to make more shivs.






  1. Really it’s the only way to explain how COVID delayed spreading until after the Super Bowl, how franchisees (owners) ignore reality and keep business as usual, and how the virus will be miraculously gone by training camp. In exchange for these considerations, Satan demanded Brady become a Buc. Because even the devil hates the Pats. Although apparently Belichick has some hot QB prospect named Faustus.

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