The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant has a geese situation. The Rant despises geese: the honking, the pooping, the unprovoked biting in the butt. Now that we think about it, geese are the avian equivalent of Twitter. With slightly less biting in the butt. Geese are so curmudgeonly the Romans used them to guard the city, and the Scottish, Chinese, and Brazilians still use them as guards in various capacities.

The Rant Worldwide Headquarters has a glorified drainage ditch out back, nicely landscaped to resemble a creek. Or crick as we say here in Okieville. A couple of geese from the park up the road decamped to build a nest, which means more annoying geese are on the way. Last week they invited a couple of friends over to make more noise and binge watch Full House. The Rant lays awake at night imagining various nefarious ways to dispatch them, but that of course is illegal, while One Direction somehow isn’t.

But less honking and more ranting: Can we change March Madness to Much-Noise-And-Nonsense-Followed-by-the-Same-Teams-Winning-in-the-End Madness? Come one. Wisconsin’s soon-to-be millionaires beat Kentucky’s soon-to-be millionaires and then got polished off by Duke’s soon-to-be millionaires (although they’re way more precious about it). Look, Coach K had to start recruiting one-and-done players with no intention of finishing school to keep competing. End of story.

The only interesting moment occurred before the tournament proper even started, at the hilariously titled First Four. The awesomely mascoted University of North Florida Ospreys have an equally awesome coach named Matthew Driscoll. He strolled over for the obligatory halftime chat with the sideline reporter; could they find any smaller people for that job? Tracy Wolfson needs the Werner ladder they use to cut the nets down. The Rant loves that even the ladder has a sponsor. But the NCAA is all about the kids. Because children are the future. Mark Emmert, president of the NCAA, felt a chill when I wrote that and lit up another roll of Benjamins.

Matthew Driscoll, when asked what he told his players, responded with eyes ablaze, “I just told them that ballers make plays. Dudes are just dudes.” The Rant loves Matthew Driscoll. He may be the reincarnation of the Buddha.

Age has taught The Rant that most dudes are just dudes. There aren’t many ballers making plays. When we find one, we hang on tight and enjoy the ride. All of congress? Just dudes. Most of your co-workers? Dudes. All those haters on social media? Uber dudes.

Be a baller. Go make some plays. Otherwise, dude, step aside and watch our moves.


Leave a Reply