Omnibus Rant

The Rant ponders the following:

I. Are the hosts/judges/widespread panic panelists of The Masked Singer given a drug that renders them ignorant of how the show works each week? Because unless Donnie Wahlberg is the greatest acting coach since Stanislavski, there is no fathomable way Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg can act that surprised there is a human inside those costumes each week.

This show started in South Korea where it was called King of Mask Singer, which already makes it 100 times better than the American version, and was discovered by a producer in Hollywood who saw the Thai version while eating in a restaurant. That’s right kids, all those supposed creative geniuses in entertainment get their ideas by ripping off foreign shows during the consumption of drunken noodles. Or snorting coke. We’re guessing it’s about 50/50.

The Rant has been informed celebrities actually call the show for the opportunity to perform in a glorified Disney World Goofy costume.  How needy are you? Don’t answer that. Speaking of needy, Ken Jeong, unless you are still paying off student loans at Duke, have a little dignity, man. Perhaps he just keeps betting the over on Cooper Flagg’s¹ stat line and losing.

While we’re on the subject of Ritalinesque enthusiasm from reality show judges, look Dancing with the Stars’ Bruno Tonioli, if you rip off your see-through shirt for every contestant, then the magic is gone. The Rant doesn’t want to live in a world where a man ripping off his see-through shirt doesn’t fill us with awe.

II. The legislature of Ohio (State Motto: More Hillbilly Thank You Think!) is pondering whether to make the planting of an opposing team’s flag on the sacred turf of The Ohio State University football stadium a felony. Where were you when Europeans were planting flags all over Native Americans’ home turf? This hubbub all started a few years ago when he’s-a-jerk-unless-he-plays-for-your-team Baker Mayfield (on your team he’s a fiery competitor) laid claim to OSU’s domains by ramming a flagpole bearing the University of Oklahoma logo into the midfield stripe after upsetting the Buckeyes. Jerks/Fiery Competitors took note and a melee broke out after the OSU/Michigan tilt this year when the Wolverines tried to go all Baker on the field. Pepper spray ensued. A nice effort but not nearly as entertaining as Arizona State sticking tridents into the Arizona University field. It looked like the aftermath of the demon prom. Beelzebub, that trident is coming right out of you allowance, I’ve had enough! And I don’t even want to know what you did in that tux. You’re paying for the deposit on that too, mister. Coming in here reeking of sulphur and Paco Rabanne.²

The OSU coach, currently Ryan Day (maybe), only has one job: beat Michigan. The hatred runs deep and fast. Michigan ended up 7-5 but their stunning upset of OSU is the Wolverine equivalent of going undefeated, winning the national championship, and being award the Congressional Medal of Freedom. If lawmakers want to really help the fine citizens of Ohio, make Ryan Day growing a beard a felony. That monster haunts The Rant’s dreams. It looks like the shoe polish beards we hastily applied for the middle school play. Does Day ride the rails by night as a hobo? Why, Ryan, why? Then attach a rider criminalizing J.D. Vance’s attempt-to-appear-humanoid face growth as well. The Rant will front Elon style campaign contributions to make this happen.

III. Why does the movie Elf melt The Rant’s cold, cold heart each season? Because Bob Newhart works at the North Pole. Because Ed Asner is Santa. Because any movie that features James Caan and Peter Dinklage in the same room has already achieved greatness. There is not one ounce of meanness in any frame of that move. Not cloying sentimentality, not rose-colored nostalgia. Just one giant elf saying yes to the wonder of the universe and inviting everyone else to do the same. If you want to remain a grinch, leave The Rant alone and examine the possibility of Ryan Day’s beard appearing in your stocking.

1. For you sportsball novices, Cooper Flagg is the basketball phenom from Maine making Blue Devil hearts go all aflutter. The answer is yes, he is the first phenom of any kind from Maine, and yes, Maine is actually a state and not a province of Canada.
2. See, being Satan’s minion isn’t all mutilating cattle and writing lyrics with rock stars. There’s heartache for everyone.