The Rant needs to say what everyone is thinking: if you are involved in the paper-folding arts, and you use more than one piece of paper for your creation, you are not doing origami; if you cut the paper with scissors, you are not doing origami. One piece of paper, folds only, and put away that glue stick you monster. Don’t we have enough to worry about without you making a mockery of nearly five hundred years of tradition? Have some self-respect as you sit at the kitchen table in your boxers.1

While we’re being petty, which is all we’re ever being right now here in COVIDland, what the hell happened to graham crackers? Certain occupants of the lockdown here at Calliope Worldwide Headquarters find the grahams comfort food. The Rant also has comfort food, namely anything we find in the pantry or fridge that doesn’t contain fennel. Be sure to watch for us on My 600lb Life when all of this over.

The Rant decided to check out the healing properties of grahams only to discover they were roughly the size of a school lunch fish stick. What gives Honey Maid? The Rant remembers when grahams were roughly the size of a bath mat; we could break one in half and still feel richly snacked. An engineer would be required to properly construct a s’more.

The Rant would like to tell everyone trying to demonize meatpacking workers to go suck it. Don’t make us summon Upton Sinclair from the grave to personally punch each of you in the head. The governor of Nebraska suggested that once workers left the Shangri-La that is their plant, they transformed into dirty immigrants choosing to live in cramped housing and purposely transmitting COVID to each other as some sort of spiteful act, as though they could all live in mansions on the criminally low wages their employees pay.

A meatpacking employee works harder in an hour and exposes themselves to more danger than the good governor has his entire life. Once again America’s obsession with determining who is “worthy” of help and sympathy has been manipulated by those whose selfishness and greed leads them to refuse to pay decent wages and provide basic protection.

The Rant suggests every self-righteous capitalist in this country should go pick lettuce for a day in California; should work a shift in the harrowing world of a meat plant in the Midwest; should stock shelves at their local grocers while your friends arrogantly shop without a mask; should walk the miles and miles of an Amazon warehouse filling orders for the privileged that can afford to avoid risk.

Then you can tell us who the real heroes are. Then you can pontificate about the immigrants stealing cushy jobs. Then you can complain about hamburger being in scarce supply because our brothers and sisters are dying for your comfort and delusions. You can join the ranks of those millions that have been living through an economic pandemic for the last two decades.

  1. Please spare The Rant your intertube articles trying to refute the facts. People that want to stretch the definition of an ancient art form are the same people that think because they add some cumin to a can of Hormel chili they are ready for Top Chef. We won’t mention any names Woman of the Pioneer Persuasion. Experiment and be creative, but let’s call things what they are. Don’t we have enough chaos already?

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