The Rant has formed an exploratory committee. We have no idea what this means, but everyone else is doing it, and we don’t want to get left behind like we did with the whole K-Pop thing. We love you Super Junior! All six hundred or so of you crowding the stage there. Lots of mouths to feed in a K-Pop group.

Until we figure out how this works, here are some things The Rant would like explored by said committee:

What dark gods of the underworld do Belichick and Brady worship that enable them to receive every lucky bounce of the ball and questionable call? They should just dispense with coming out of the tunnel and emerge straight from the ground in a swirl of sulphur and brimstone. Can we also explore where Brady has stashed the portrait of himself that makes Keith Richards look like a smooth-faced Webelo?1

We would like to explore what loan shark Shaq owes money that requires him to appear in every low-rent commercial we see. The General? The Shamwow will soon follow. Have some pride Kazaam.

The Rant wants to explore how to get some of that sweet sneaker money floating about. Forget Pharrell and DJ Khaled; The Rant has a pair of kicks at our secret design lab that were worn simultaneously by Jordan, Drake, Yeezy, and RBG. The shoes are laced each morning by dewey-eyed innocents that have never seen Twitter. Bids should be sealed inside Louis Vuitton bags and delivered by a member of Wu-Tang Clan. Preferably RZA.

The Rant wants to explore the possibility that the people Michigan State keeps naming as interim presidents were once Catholic bishops. The number of clueless leaders that can suggest the victims of horrific sexual abuse are somehow inconveniencing their institution and should go away appears infinite.

The Rant got pretty excited about exploring alternate venues for the State of the Union speech. The rotting shell of a bankrupt Trump hotel? The inside of a Federal prison? Live from an immigrant detention center? Or was that a Trump golf club? We get confused.

Can we explore what happened to movies? When did they become after-school specials? Stop trying to teach us a lesson and just tell a compelling story. Television has your mojo and you better come up with some ideas quick. Marvel only has one more Infinity War and then you’re on you own with nary a superhero in sight.

  1. Yes, The Rant is a Chiefs fan. The last time we won the Super Bowl, our quarterback smoked a cig during halftime.  And yes, that’s a Fresca he’s drinking. In the name of humanity, let our befuddled-coach-with-the-beautiful-mind-for-offense Andy Reid and our angelic quarterback Patrick Mahomes win it all. Gisele kidnaps young soccer players from Brazil and Brady receives their youth via transfusion. Is there no justice? Apparently not.

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