The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant would like to commence the rantin’. We really would. But we have been very busy carving our iPhone into a shiv so we can protect ourselves in the Target bathrooms. Throngs of men with flame-throwing guitars, a la Mad Max, have stationed themselves in the stalls to wreak carnage and Anthrax licks since Target announced you’re welcome to visit the bathroom of your gender-identity. But according to The Facebook and many Billy Graham progeny this is merely a ruse to unleash the Final Days before a Clockwork Orange-Orwellian-UN Agenda 21 Future. Or something like that. We’ve been busy whittling and watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger to brush up on our round-house kicks and may have missed some of the details.
The Target crisis comes hard on the heels of The Rant leaving the wife and kids to get gay married because the Supreme Court said we had to do so toot sweet. That’s the sort of thing we say now. We miss the old family, but the parties are fantastic. Especially brunch. As soon as we find some children to adopt and utterly ruin our lives will be complete.
And thank goodness we can adopt, because knowing women are being strapped down to gurneys and force fed contraception financed by nuns working in coals mines under indentured servitude, just takes the zing right our of your sex life. If our health plan didn’t cover unlimited supplies of Cialis and bathtubs, I’m not sure what we’d do.
On top of all that, we’re nearly ready to take to our fainting couch (you have those when you’re gay married) because we learned some Syrian refugees moved to Boise, Idaho. Boise is over a thousand miles away, but we are under no illusions that we’ll wake up soon to find ourselves under Sharia Law. We’ve been shopping for burkas online just in case. Without the comfort of our deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I’m not sure how we’d get through the day. But we’re sure the Supreme Court will soon force us to consume our beloved Monster with a second-rate Cabernet because they hate religious freedom. Unless it’s Sharia Law; then they’re ready to bust out the minarets and prayer rugs.
So The Rant just isn’t up to any rantin’. Be careful out there. Have you considered a Kevlar burka?