The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant has learned the following, shocking revelations. Sources close to The Rant, namely our office dog Berry, have uncovered disturbing scandals via the use of a Ouija board and strategically placed Milk Bones. We suggest you ask the children to leave the room and hold your loved ones close:

  • Russian operatives, under direct orders from Vladimir Putin, murdered Carrie Fischer operating under the mistaken assumption she actually owned a lightsaber. Putin wanted to open up a bear and sleep inside it through the long Russian winter. Operation Yoda was halted with the code phrase, “Morons you are.”

  • Mitch McConnell agreed to slowing cabinet confirmation hearings after incriminating photos surfaced of the Senator canoodling with an endangered sea turtle in a secret love nest. McConnell insists the two “are just good friends” and peruse old National Geographic magazines.

  • Focus on the Family will be releasing a 113-page booklet, “Talking to Your Children about Micturition and the President.” Dr. James Dobson fainted after making the announcement.

  • Donald Trump announced he will be filling the vacant Supreme Court seat himself and allowing cameras to film the chambers as part of his reality show, “Here Comes the Judge.”1 In lieu of opinions, Trump will declare the outcome of cases by dismissing lawyers with his new catchphrase, “You’re disbarred.”

  • Replacement coverage for Obamacare will include a box of Sponge Bob Band-aids, a bottle of ether, and a bonesaw with a likeness of Ted Cruz carved into the handle.

  • Melania Trump’s coming-of-age novel A Catcher in the Rye has created a bidding war among publishing houses.

  • President Obama has stashed 1,200 cases of cigarettes in a secret southside Chicago bunker to survive the next administration.

    The Rant would say our journalistic standards are golden, but the Focus on the Family booklet advises against it. America, when you wake up in a stranger’s house like Robert Downey Jr. circa 1996 ready to enter reality rehab, The Rant will be here for you.

  1. “I’m a great judge. Fantastic. The new swimsuit competition during questioning will be yuge. Just yuge. You should see Sessions in a Speedo.”

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