Back Inventory Rant

The Rant apologizes for the long absence; we’ve been waiting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich. Imagine our disappointment when the line got within sight of the building and were informed the sandwich was no more. But The Rant persevered–we just stayed put, and sure enough they were back by the time we hit the door.

Popeye’s has a simple philosophy: we make incredible artery-clogging-comfort-inducing fried chicken. Enjoy. Unlike Chick-Fil-A, a company that believes their inferior artery-clogging fried chicken selections offers them some sort of moral authority. From the too precious Hooked on Phonics name to the semi-literate cattle to the couch commercials that include everything but an altar call, Chick-Fil-A has reached the acme of trying to transfer their mistaken sense of superiority to their customers.¹

The Rant couldn’t have been more delighted when California passed a law allowing college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. The NCAA, which has made billions from said athletes while arguing that releasing them from their indentured servitude would immediately unleash The Purge across college campuses, retreated to their gold-lined bunker in Indianapolis and plotted a strategy while drinking water distilled from Ed O’Bannon’s tears. They emerged refreshed and stated that possibly, maybe, they could figure out a way to allow a couple of bucks to flow the way of those responsible for making the NCAA all the bucks. Which simply means they have devised a way to monetize the pittance athletes will see for their own further enrichment. The NCAA loves capitalism as long they are the only ones profiting and there’s no actual competition outside the playing field. Which now that we think of it isn’t actually capitalism. Too bad we were too distracted by the football game to read our economics assignment in college. We bet they covered that somewhere.

Do you hear that giant sucking sound, Netflix? That’s Disney Plus coming for your subscribers. The new streaming service from Disney, the digital equivalent of Walt having the animators beat up when they tried to unionize,² has come to lay waste to all other streaming pretenders. Hey, it was a nice ride, Netflix. We’ll always have The Irishman. Until Disney acquires it from you the way they have Star Wars and Fox and Jeff Goldblum. Soon you’ll go to relive your wedding memories and find the video buried behind the Disney paywall. Is that Jabba the Hut in your reception line? No, your Aunt Gladys? Seriously? Next you’ll be telling us the new Winnie-the-Pooh short was a Xi Jinping press conference.³

1. In the lost Gospel of Chad, Jesus attends the gay wedding at Canaan and turns the Chick-Fil-A sandwiches into Popeye’s spicy tenders to the delight of the guests. Other highlights of Chad include the Sermon in the Half-Pipe, the Miracle of the Forgotten Password, the Parable of the Viral Tweet (“Only the Father verifies the accounts that last for eternity”) and Jesus stinging rebuke of Judas in the Temple, “Whatevs.”
2. Yes, it happened. Look it up. Bambi’s mother wasn’t the only helpless creature getting slaughtered at the studio
3. When The Rant disappears shortly after this column, we suggest you start searching in Beijing followed by Epcot. We fear forced labor in an Ewok costume