The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant can barely keep pace with all the lovely goofiness floating around in the cultural firmament. To begin, how in the ham sandwich did NBC pass on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? Ellie Kimper is a national treasure. Tituss Burgess comedy gold. Tina Fey writes jokes like these, “I really like that new building Rem Koolhaas and Michael Stipe designed.” “Oh, the Rem Koolhaas R.E.M. Cool House?” But by all means NBC, add another show about Chicago instead. How about Chicago Tax Abatement Office or Chicago Planning Commission: Special Appeals? Fudge that sugar. Did we mention sweet Kimmy trying to curse fills us with delight?
The Rant loves the interwebs because we get the juxtaposition of headlines like these: “Science Has Finally Dedicated a Study to Freddy Mercury’s Voice.” Yes, cancer and the wonders of the cosmos be damned; what makes Freddy so irresistible on “Bohemian Rhapsody?” Scientific conclusion: he was a really good singer. Please. We all know Freddy’s power emanated from his mustache. That’s like third grade biology. Hard on the heels of that breakthrough, we discovered this gem, “How to Jump Start Your Pancreas.” How many times has The Rant’s day been rendered a complete shambles by a sluggish pancreas? We’ve lost track. Our only regret is that this article wasn’t a listicle, because we’re pretty sure #3 would have left us speechless. Or dropped our jaw. Or shocked us. Or made us question the fabric of our existence.
The Process has ended in Philly. This was the fanciful name, reminiscent of a Harry Potter title, Sixers GM Sam Hinkie gave to his utter gutting of the basketball team and the city’s spirit.1 Hinkie gained his reputation as one of the new number-crunching wunderkinds now populating sports. He believed the only way to turn a franchise around was through selling all assets and accumulating draft picks. Then when a unicorn appeared near Independence Hall, the Sixers would miraculously become champions. What Hinkie forgot was that people have souls, and he sucked that right out of each new first round pick he placed on his atrocious team.2 But soon the unicorn would appear.
True to his Magic-playing, dork self, when Hinkie finally gave up on The Process, he resigned via a thirteen page letter that was short on taking responsibility and long on references to Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, a flightless bird called a moa, and a requiem for the Blackberry keyboard. He assured management that his hoarding of draft picks (why are these guys so infatuated with imaginary, rather than actual players?) would be rendering the unicorn nigh, and that he would be “repotted professionally.” The Rant wonders if potting wasn’t part of Sam’s problem.
The Rant has just learned that Harriet Tubman will appear on the new $20 bill. About time. The Rant will not miss the genocidal Andrew Jackson there.3 Tubman, master of the Underground Railroad that brought slaves to freedom, could have put the beat-down on any current presidential candidate, tamed Congress, and still had time for photo ops in the Rose Garden. The $10 bill was due for a makeover, but rappin’-Pulitizer-Prize-Winning Lin Manuel-Miranda created so much Hamilton hysteria the treasury had to bend. Who says Broadway has no stroke?
- The Sixers and Sam further endeared themselves to Philadelphia by taking several million dollars and their practice facility to New Jersey
- To Hinkie’s credit, whenever a new player showed the slightest glimmer of ability, he immediately traded them, including rookie-of-the-year winner Michael Carter-Williams
- Jackson never meant an Indian Nation he didn’t want to invade, attack, and remove. As a soldier and as president, he forced the migration of over 46,000 Native Americans, caused the deaths of thousands more, and seized 25 million acres of land. We hope Old Hickory was carved into a drum stick for a pow-wow drum in the afterlife
