Rank Rant

After the pop culture/celebrity stalking/influencer/sports pundit/screamin’ politicos O’Sphere informs you where they are going for vacation, too bad you’ll never be able to afford it but be sure to click the links so we can make even more money, things slow to a leisurely stroll in digital world, the analog equivalent of eating dinner at 4.30 and then watching reruns of the show you swear you never watch reruns of until you doze off.¹

This void gets filled each summer with The Rant’s favorite waste of time: The Infallible, Utterly Scientific, Definitive List on whatever topic popped into the writer’s head thirty minutes before their deadline. You know ’em, you love ’em. 25 Books for the Beach. 100 Greatest Movies You’ve Never Seen. The 8 Mistakes Guaranteed to Fill Your Life with Despair and How to Avoid Them. Unless of course you’re like The Rant and have already reveled in seven of them. And bring on the sports. 10 Reasons Your Team Will Never Win the Super Bowl (Also known as the Cleveland Browns Official Strategy Handbook).

But this summer has proven especially lifeless, to the point The Rant has slowly developed a southern drawl, started dressing like Big Daddy in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and proclaiming, “I do declare, I do miss me that Brat Summer² of yesteryear,” leading to a near mutiny at The Rant Worldwide Headquarters. No one could be bothered to make an endlessly repetitive ear worm tune that could be blared from a teenager’s Kia/Honda/Hyundai³until you find yourself singing it in the shower against your will before bursting into tears because you miss Prince so much?

The list makers have thus been stretched thin and grow ever more desperate. The 7 Greatest Left-Handed Guitarists Not Named Hendrix.⁴ The 6 Shades of Yellow that Aren’t Really Yellow (see the list at the end of the post).⁵ The 6 Coolest People Johnny Depp Stood Next to Creating the Illusion that He is Also Cool. The 5 Best Lists Rejected by My Editor Before I Hit on this Lame Stunt.

Never fear, summer is almost over and The Rant will take you to finish the finish line with our patent-pending-leave-the-clutter-behind Big Beautiful, So Beautiful, Single Entry Super Lists. Made in the US so they’re tariff and AI free! Actually we tried AI, but when our hive mind overlords told us “lists” were a speech impediment requiring immediate surgery to remove our tongue, we moved on. We can get that sort of advice from the US Department of Health and Human Services.

Let’s be honest, we only want to see who or what made it to No. 1 so we can nod in agreement or whip ourselves into a righteous anger over a subject we had never given a thought to before. So waddle over to the screen, our Fat Summer minions.

Greatest NFL Lineman/MIT Mathematics Professor: Fine. We only know one, streamlining the winnowing process. 1. John Urschel. A former Baltimore Raven, now a Ph.D.-wielding-MIT math whiz. Urschel stands 6’3″ and played at over three hundred pounds. He’s not interested in your feeble excuses for late homework as he bench presses you over his head until you adequately explain Fermat’s Theorem as punishment.

Greatest ice cream flavor: 1. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream. Imagine having your own ice cream to drown your sorrows after getting cancelled. Blue Bell approached us to create a signature Blue Bell Rantcid Chip, but let’s just say the focus group litigation is still pending.

Greatest Quintessential Heartbreaking Kansas City Chiefs QB: How’s that for a niche category? This list runs into the dozens, including Todd Blackledge, drafted ahead of Jim Kelly and Dan Marino. Jim Kelly and Dan Marino for the love of Bronko Nagurski. The Rant needs a moment to collect ourselves. KC also thrived on signing the 49ers sloppy seconds (Elvis Grbac, Steve Bono, Zombie Joe Montana). But the heart and soul of KC quarterback futility was The Journeyman QB that Had Finally Figured it Out. Or so we convinced ourselves over and over until we watched our hopes rise in a majestic ball of flames over Arrowhead Stadium come playoff time. So let’s cue up our winner: 1. Steve DeBerg. Steve had it all. Hollywood good looks ( a dead ringer for the actor William Devane), once playing with the ludicrous cast at right, making him look like the head of a bizarre, banana smuggling cartel. And of course, his true chart-topping skill, never meeting an interception at the most crucial moments of the team’s biggest games he didn’t fully embrace. Steve easily took three years off The Rant’s life. Not even Patrick Mahomes can get them back.

Greatest 80s name-check song: 1. The Swish by The Hold Steady. Criminally underrated band you twee, MIDI-loving, vocal fry, indie groups. Not that The Rant is bitter. We love your Craig Finn. Call us.

Greatest book you’ve never heard of: 1. At Swim-Two-Birds by Flann O’Brien. Read it and then try to argue that every piece of metafiction, meta-filmmaking, and meta-television doesn’t pale in comparison. ⁶

Greatest satirical writing bringing hope to the downtrodden masses (see footnote below).⁷

1. You aren’t fooling anyone; Friends wouldn’t be on twenty hours a day if no one was watching. Embrace your need to fantasize how happy Courteney Cox would have been with you instead of David Arquette ruining her life. The first thing you would have done is have her drop the superfluous “e” in her name. Which is why you never had a chance.
2. I suppose we could just go with Fat Summer in honor of the presidential cankles. Followed by Rotund Autumn, Corpulent Winter, and Ozempic Spring. Nice zeitgeist America.
3. Speaking of cars, in the name of humanity kids, get a driver’s license already. Only 25% of 16-year olds now have one. Where do you make out after going to Dairy Queen? Wait . . . I’m being told you don’t make out either. No wonder there’s no hope in this country. Good luck getting an Uber in President Vance’s dystopian future. The Rant has to go have a lie down. Damn kids.
4. Surprise entry on that list: Elizabeth Cotten, North Carolina folk singing legend. Given a right-handed guitar, she simply learned to play it with the strings upside down and never looked back. Some might say she was Cotten Pickin’ Good. Thank you, The Rant will be here all week.
5. Don’t you hate the end of the post ploy? The Rant despises it. A Jedi mind trick to pad view rates and site visit time, sixteen pop-up videos and subscription bars later, The Rant has totally forgotten what we started scrolling to see. Sad. Footnotes, however, are on the side of the angels.
6. O’Brien also helped to invent Bloomsday, a celebration of the day, June 16, narrated in James Joyce’s Ulysses. As the merry boys retraced the journey around Dublin described in the novel on the inaugural Bloomsday, they failed to pace themselves and got into a drunken altercation at a pub and were removed from the premises. They decided to disband and try again next year. One member of their party owned the pub where they got the boot. Pogue mahone all ya wannabe Irish imposters.
7. You fall for it every time. Poor dears. Also, the AI bot just informed us that Gabriel was an Obtuse Angel. That one’s for you, John Urschel.