The Rant is excited to announce that we have been named the head of the Department of Unwinding Craptacular Hopeless Elites, or DOUCHE. Who knew that concentrating all wealth and power in the hands of emotionally stunted, egomaniacal, raging white men would backfire in such spectacular fashion? But The Rant is not here to second-guess or cast aspersions. Let’s get to work!
Priority One. Within 48 hours, all members of the Executive Branch, Congress, and the Supreme Court must provide, carefully etched on a Doge Coin, five reasons for their continued participation in humanity. Oh sorry, Justice Alito, your wife’s flag making skills do not count as “supporting artisan crafts.”
Priority Two. We aren’t forgetting about you, Tech Bros. Please explain why no company or app you have ever launched ever made money. Except when you cashed out early during the twelve hours of the inflated price of the IPO. Using AI will result in an immediate failing grade. We know that microdosing LSD makes the stilted, creepy robot syntax sound like a Shakespearean sonnet to you, but The Rant didn’t major in English for nothing. It’s all coming around like we told our parents it would. Please be sure to wear your DOUCHE hats at all times while answering.
Priority Three. Billionaire oligarchs, time to shine. Head below decks of your super yachts and prepare a flawless fourteen course meal for your new employers. Who are they? That’s right, all the Brown people you ever called José because you couldn’t be bothered to learn their name while snorting coke off your new, decades younger (but she just gets me!), trophy wife’s belly.1 We bet you’re regretting all those ICE jokes right about now. No potty breaks, by the way. Mr. Bezos will show you how to use the empty milk jug he issues to Amazon pickers. Too bad, the flan didn’t have the right amount of jiggle. Fail.
What has your breathtaking incompetence accomplished? An all expenses paid trip to Guantanamo Bay. Actually we used the assets we seized from you to pay. Right before we converted the rest into Bitcoin, managed by our cousin. Apparently the entire account was hacked. You might want to ask your new bestie Tech Bro how the absolutely flawless, impossible to crack, Edenic system that is cryptocurrency made your net worth disappear.
Now that you’ll need that here. You have been assigned a glorious, back-breaking, low-paying, no benefits, job. The kind you’re constantly telling unemployed losers you laid off to get. Thank god you hate unions. Are we right?
Each morning on your commute you’ll be pulled over for Driving While White. Keep those hands on the wheel, Senator. You don’t want to get tasered again. You should also get that nasty cut looked at. Maybe razor wire inspector isn’t your thing. What’s that? You lost a day of work yelling at the automated support system of your health insurance trying to get a tetanus shot approved? Poor thing. Have you ever seen a germ, though? Clearly they don’t exist. Just ask one of the former appointees at the CDC you voted to confirm.
The first member of the landscape crew to realize they are mowing field turf each day will win free sunscreen! The Rant considered issuing gloves for those clearing the thorny brambles, but Elon told us empathy was for suckers. We have so much to learn from our DOUCHE wards.
There’s even more exciting programs on the way. Like the Humanizer 2000 with gentle electrode massage. Canned meat at the DOUCHE commissary, just exploding with sodium. Too bad you can’t afford the healthy food; you’re looking a little paunchy there, Bro. Makes you miss the Wegovy, doesn’t it? But just remember how efficient we are now. Freedom from elites requires some sacrifices. Not from The Rant, of course. That would be madness. Just ask Elon.
