The Rant assumes that very soon coaches will be able to appeal plays on psychological grounds, since they can appeal everything else. Did you really believe you were going to make that 3-point shot? No, you were only try to please your dominating Father? Wave off the goal! We can’t wait.
Never has The Rant seen a coach mug and preen for the camera like UConn’s Danny Hurley. All he needs is some Botox and he can the join the cast of a Real Housewives show. He will soon demand UConn make him the official mascot as well (The Fightin’ Hurleys). A giant foam likeness of him will roam the court while the game is being played. It’s all about you, Danny.
If you want the want the real feel of the NCAA tournament, read The Rant one sentence at a time followed by a ten minute commercial break. Invite the soulless Capital One guy over for true authenticity. You are no Flo, sir! 1
Forget the Boozer twins at Duke2, the real sibling power duo are the Betts sisters at UCLA. Lauren and Sienna are amused by your feeble attempts to stop them. Kinda sad, kinda cute, but totally feeble.
No, The Rant is not pandering to our biggest fan, we just want to acknowledge that the University of Nebraska won an NCAA tournament game for the first time ever.3 Ever. Since Jimmy Naismith figured out that cutting out the bottom of the peach basket would speed up the game and dispense with the ladders, Nebraska hoops has been an exercise in futility. As futile as explaining to Septic Fury that saying “Because I said so,” is not a war strategy, NU had so much fun with the first one, they went ahead and won again.
Much of UN success revolves around Pryce Sandfort,4 a human that appears to have been genetically altered in the back of the UN Dairy Store between wheels of cheese, to shoot threes faster than Stephen A. Smith can spout an absurd hot take. Looking like a goodwill ambassador for the Nebraska state fair, Sandfort at times appears to put the ball in the basket telepathically without touching it. Now if the Dairy Store could engineer a quarterback . . . Sorry Husker fans. Too soon?
Like all of American life currently, while still enjoyable, a vast gulf has developed in college basketball between teams that can spend unlimited money 5 and the mid-majors just looking for some magic. But any player that develops for a smaller school gets Hoovered up in a sea of money and transfers to a bigger program. Cinderella can’t afford a pair of Crocs, let alone a glass slipper. Those sitting on mountains of cash will tell you this is progress. Now get back to scrubbing the court. Jake wants to see his reflection in the baseline.
- Can there be any sweeter gig than schilling for the same company over and over? Unlike a CEO, you don’t even have to pretend to work for a grossly inflated salary. The Rant ponders the fate of humanity every time we see Jake from Sate Farm with courtside seats bringing cross platform value to the brand. The Rant remembers the real Jake, an actual agent for the company named Jake Stone that made practically nothing for his work. Just like everything else, America prefers its Fake Jakes. Just ask a real housewife. Or Jake Paul.
- Insert your own frat boy joke here
- Said fan, Warner, briefly appeared to have his faith in a benevolent universe restored with the NU win. Briefly.
- Even his last name conveys Midwest wholesomeness. We think he should play with a puppy in a Baby Bjorn.
- Kentucky reportedly had a $50million roster. Was The Rant maniacally gleeful when they almost lost to Santa Clara in the first round and then got bounced in the second? Yes, yes we were.
