The Rant now feels convinced the Cavaliers could trade the entire team for the ghost of George Mikan, 75 year-old Globetrotter Curly Neal, an autographed Bill Russell jersey1, and a case of Gatorade, and somehow LeBron James would still get to the NBA finals. Because basically that’s what the Cavs just did, jettisoning everyone but Kevin (Un)Love(d)2 and J.R. Smith, the poor man’s Dennis Rodman. The Rant feels a couple of the new players they acquired will be even better once they reach puberty. The Cavs have looked unbeatable since the trade, the equivalent of overhauling the engine of your car while it careens down a steep incline and then winning the Daytona 500.

King James has also managed to become the conscience of sports, speaking his mind on social justice issues and encouraging other players to do the same. The entire NBA rallied to his defense during All-Star weekend after the forever apoplectic Laura Ingraham3 suggested he “shut up and dribble.” The Rant assumes Ingraham would also like LeBron to move to the back of the bus and stay away from the womenfolk. Ingraham and Alex Jones should have a baby so we could watch it explode the first time it became agitated. We’re fairly certain you can see their DNA screaming under an electron microscope.

We complain about athletes being failed by the education system and then complain when they become articulate and well-versed on the issues that impact their communities. African-American athletes understand better than anyone they are the exceptions not the rule in the neighborhoods they emerge from to succeed. James has figured out that you can’t silence the platform if you own the platform, and he started a multimedia company, Uninterrupted, to do just that.

Someday you will have to explain to children what “taking my talents to South Beach” means in reference to LeBron. Because all they will know is the player that could carry any collection of talent to the Finals while simultaneously changing the way athletes control their image, brand, and future away from the court.

  1. The jersey would give you 10 pts, 15 boards and 3 blocks a night, because Russell wore it, and he’s the greatest winner in NBA history. You hear me Jordan and Kobe, the greatest winner ever
  2. Kevin suffers from the same delusions as his uncle Mike Love of the Beach Boys. Kevin and Mike, you play with transcendent talents but don’t kid yourself: you aren’t winning rings as the first option on a team and you ain’t making Pet Sounds without Brian at the helm. Enjoy the ride and the untold riches and understand who you are without the alphas. A star for a team tanking for a lottery pick and nostalgia band with John Stamos on drums. John Stamos, Mike. John “Full House” Stamos.
  3. If you are a woman at Fox News, do they have a machine like Monsters, Inc. that just sucks out your soul and self-respect while Sean Hannity laughs maniacally in the background?

One Response to “The Rant Goes Hard to the Cup”

  1. Rick

    Couldn’t be more on point!


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