The Wednesday Pop Culture Rant had to tell the offspring to put a stopper in it as their arguing was harshing our ability to enjoy Snickers ice cream. Never mess with The Rant’s enjoyment of the dairy equivalent of meth. We will snap on the tighty whities and go all Heisenberg on you Gus.
The kids had especially annoyed The Rant as they were debating the merits of a movie they had never seen. This phenomenon drives us batty, the pop culture equivalent of initiating divorce proceedings against someone you never married.1
Our sensitivity in this area probably stems from the fact that growing up we were constantly forbidden from watching, reading, and listening to things that those shaming us had never watched, read, or listened to either. Because these evil-riddled products of Satan would make Jesus cry and soon have us raping and pillaging the countryside. Although we find it hard to believe Jesus wouldn’t turn “Highway to Hell” up t 11 or have the Special Edition of The Last Temptation of Christ. I enjoyed that, Marty, but I do have some notes.
Your chances of being killed in a home invasion are 0.0000002%. Yet, having a gun in your home doubles the chance of a homicide occurring, and triples the chances of suicide (based on FBI and CDC stats). So if you tell The Rant having a gun in your home makes you safer, we have nothing to discuss because you are simply wrong. If you want to tell us, despite the facts, having a gun psychologically gives you a better night’s sleep, we could have an interesting conversation. Why does the way we feel about something often outweigh the reality of the risks we take? We can smoke cigs and eat fructose-laden snacks while doing so.
In the same way, you don’t get to tell us Game of Thrones is a filthy, morally corrupt show if you’ve never seen it. And that sex scene from season one you constantly watch on a loop online doesn’t count. Sinner.
Now if you want to argue that any art or entertainment containing sex or violence is harmful, The Rant will be your huckleberry. Just give us a moment to retrieve one of the many copies of the Bible we own. This will be fun. Because the Book of Judges makes the Red Wedding look like the Debutante’s Ball.
The Rant would respect you much more if you would just say, “I don’t like anyone enjoying anything I don’t enjoy, and in my desperate need to always be right, I’m going to slap the Almighty’s thumbs down on it as well.” Now move aside because you’re blocking our view of Khaleesi.
- Yes, if you are wondering, The Rant keeps a hypothetical list of people we would totally divorce were this allowed. Highlights include: Kim Kardashian (No. 1 with a bullet), my first college girlfriend (you know who you are), any AT&T customer service rep, the entire cast of any Housewives show, and Catherine the Great (stop judging my manhood from beyond the grave, Cate!) We also have a list of imaginary girlfriends, but The Rant wishes to keep our reality-based marriage intact