The Rant welcomes you 2018. You follow 2017, which left your house trashed and empty except for the Roy Moore bumper sticker on the bathroom door and one naked light-bulb illuminating the sadness within. We believe in you 2018. Make us proud.
How about some kudos to get you started? Kudos to you, UCF, for being the only undefeated team in major college football, declaring yourself national champions, hoisting a banner, and taking a victory parade around Disney World. You beat Auburn, who beat supposed national finalists Georgia and Alabama, which makes you king of the mountain. That logic makes just as much sense as the current charade of a charter bus full of hand-picked committee members showing up at a Motel 8 to decide which four teams play in their billion-dollar extravaganza.1 If you thought they were going to let UCF anywhere near pretty Desmond Howard and senile Lee Corso, not so fast my friend.
Paul Finebaum, the Sheldon Cooper of ESPN and SEC hagiographer, got a case of the vapors and had to take to his fainting couch at the mere suggestion. UCF could never last against the mighty SEC. Remind us again which league Auburn is in Sheldon?
Kudos also to Buffalo Bills fans, and not just for making the playoffs for the first time in seventeen years. To make it, the Bills needed Cincinnati to defeat Baltimore in the last game of the season. Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton saved a mediocre season by converting a fourth down for a score and the victory. Buffalo rejoiced. The Rant also rejoiced because we have Harbaugh Clan Fatigue Syndrome.2 HCFS is real people.
And because they work hard in Buffalo and have character, the fans showed their appreciation by donating to Andy Dalton’s charitable foundation. Many gave $17 to mark the occasion, and others gave $49, the yardage of the game-wining pass play, and together they raised $250,000 so extremely ill kids can get help with medical bills, needed supplies, and special experiences. Bills fans are righteous. If the NFL had any class, they would match the money given by people that make their rich owners obscenely richer. Guess they have to scrimp to pay Roger Goodell all that coin.
Since we turned all sportsy, The Rant says kudos to you Kyrie Irving, for leaving the mountainous shadow of LeBron3 to do your own thing. We know you could feel the ominous chill of Scottie Pippen’s legacy sans Jordan, but you went out there anyway. So far so good Uncle Drew. Nice smackdown of the Cavs to drive the point home. The Rant knows Bill Russell has your back, which we are now convinced is good for at least one ring as decreed by the basketball gods. See: Kevin Garnett.
Look at you 2018. Feel good stories everywhere. We’d just throw those sheets out, by the way. Maybe the mattresses too. We don’t even want to know what 2017 did in there.
- Let’s face it: at this point Alabama could lose every game of the season, Nick Saban could club baby seals at midfield during halftime, and ESPN would have Nate Silver create some voodoo algorithm that proves they should make the playoff
- Symptoms include feeling a desire to whine constantly about how you are surmounting nearly impossible odds and a compulsion to wear khaki pants
- LeBron, my brother, you have to stay dedicated to the shaved head. We don’t even know what’s going on up there when the overhead cam shows you driving to the cup. Go see your boys at the barber shop
