Brand New Rant, Same Old Trouble

The Wednesday Pop Culture Rants feels a sense of gratitude that we turned down that gig to work as a Mariah Carey roadie on NYE. Check, one. Check, two. These things happen when the ghost of Dick Clark¹ runs the show. Karma bites Mariah. The Rant suspects the universe had been waiting patiently to play a little catch up for the 1990’s when Carey terrorized the world at her diva best. Perhaps she can reflect as she tours with Lionel Richie² and her many sequins.

2017, the bar has been set so low by your predecessor that should you deliver an America that is not a heap of smoldering ruins by Christmas you can go down as one of the all time greats. We’re pulling for you. Surprise and amaze us. Dazzle us with non-controversial mediocrity and we will sing your praises. Offer us one month of drama-free tweets and we will follow you to the ends of the earth. Smite not our beloved pop stars, musicians, and thinkers and all shall be yours for the asking. We just need you to be as average and saccharine as a CBS sitcom. We ask for nothing and hope you deliver the same. Bore us, bore us 2017 to tears, tears of joy. The Rant’s blood pressure and therapist thank you in advance. Now go out there and perform like Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl and put some zeros up on the board.

1. We sense Dick still looks younger than The Rant, even from the grave
2. Mariah and Lionel can hunker down and watch his video for “Hello,” still the most hilarious and creepy spectacle to ever appear on MTV. Lionel the teacher stalking blind girl student? Check. Audience unsure of how uncomfortable to feel, because while this might be college, blind girl has a locker and there are school bells like high school? You betcha. Lionel singing hello into phone to blind girl and hanging up, which blind girl finds oddly enjoyable? Done. Blind girl creating bust of Lionel in art class that looks like a bust created by a blind girl that had never taken an art class? Yes and Yes. Blind girl kneading Lionel’s face in an apparent effort to make it look more like the bust? You got it. Was The Rant totally in love with Laura Carrington, the woman that played blind girl? Duh. We miss you MTV.